Permission to Let Go (a poem)

And then

All of a sudden

She found herself quite tired

So she sat down.

Why all the madness?

she thought to herself.

Do I do so much just to keep busy?

Do I do so much so I haven’t time to think?

What do I fear if I have time to think?

I might find peace.

Do I need to give myself permission to let it go?

Have I convinced myself that the only way is this way?

Is there more I have yet to discover because I keep looking back?

Keep walking back

Keep turning around and heading back

Do I keep looking ahead into the fog and muttering

what if?

There was nothing but time, of course

and a comfortable chair and a lovely steeping tea

a good book and a cat curled up on her lap.

There were pasts to leave behind and old memories and old habits and old

And there were futures and memories and friends and children and laughter

and everything that seemed so imperative just kind of drifted away

For she was quite tired, you see.

So she sat down to rest.  and the birds sang.  and the sun shone.  and life went on.

Ostara, Easter, and the New Beginning

crocus-spring-equinoxToday is a celebration of hope.  The indigenous cultures of old and the modern spiritualists and witches of today will be celebrating.  So will gardeners everywhere.  ‘Tis the Solstice, also known as Ostara.

Seeds in hand, faces to the sun, coffee hot, hose at the ready, we are grateful and joyous that the days will now be growing longer.  Oh, happy day.  More sun.  More Vitamin D.  More outdoor play.  Spring brings with it baby animals and freshly turned soil and new life.

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Ostara celebrates life conquering death.  It had been celebrated long before organized religion did it.  The word “Easter” comes from the word “Ostara.”  Now, Pagans were nothing if they weren’t artists.  Eggs were symbols of new life and fertility and were painted in beautiful colors.  The Ukrainian folk art depicted on eggs is a fine example of art.

Ostara, the Greek goddess of fertility, loved the painted eggs so much that she asked the rabbit to distribute them all over the world.

The Solstice on the agrarian calendar was the date that seeds began to be planted and new life was born.  The death of winter was past and new life has begun.

Our bodies and our lives are a part of nature as much as they ever were, we just kind of hid away behind screens and modern lives and forgot.  You will find that death and new beginnings are prevalent right now.  The Universe may have a bright new beginning for you.  That means death comes first, but know that the sun is shining every day and that life always conquers.  Welcome your new beginning.  Happy Solstice!

The Third Step to Achieving Your Goals (and bring on 2018!)

20171226_192715How wonderful that we will have a full moon tomorrow night, a Super Moon at that.  Perfect for manifesting those deep seeded intentions!

By now you have looked at what you want to transpire in 2018.  You have examined fears that may hold you back.  Respected that dreams are imbedded into your path for a reason.  You see the reasons behind what you want.  You know it will make you a better person and make your life better, therefore making you a happier person and a person who has the ability to help others.  Now.  We make it happen.

Fire and full moon are a spectacular ways to use high frequency power to send your desires out to the universe.  You have many helpers beyond the screen.  Ancestors, friends, angels, the universal web of information and wisdom, plus all the information stored in your DNA, chakras, and in the spirits all around you.  You got this.

You should have your resolutions written down in a prominent place, like the first page of a journal or a daytimer so that you can see them often.  Now, write on slips of paper each desire, each intention, each dream.  Focus on them intently.

Write down the things that you wish to release on other pieces of paper.  Perhaps of a different color.

In a blazing fire, focus on the things to release first.  Then one by one throw them in the flame.  As the smoke rises it will take your notes to the skies.  Then repeat with the manifestations.  You just increased your success by 90%!  Now the rest is up to you.  If you want a new job, go apply.  If you want a strong body, start a yoga class.  Get out there and be the best person you can.  And know that your soul is perfect, therefore you are as well.  Be kind to yourself.  Speak lovingly to your body.  Love all that cross your path.

Happy New Year Everyone.

A New Year’s Resolution to Truly Live

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As we take the final footsteps of 2016 we look back on the year past.  It was a very good year for us, but a lot of folks have gone through similar circumstances as our dreadful 2015 of loss, and I know we are all looking towards 2017 with great anticipation and hope.  It seems the universe is sweeping so much from all of us, a cleansing of sorts, a realization of the reliance we had on items, jobs, people, and places, a new chapter of self discovery and path changes has occurred to most people I know.  This can be a very good thing.  Through the ashes and chaos comes a bright new path through the woods of adventure, inspiration, great views of beauty and joy that could only be experienced through darkness.  This is going to be a beautiful year, Friends.  (What are your resolutions?)

Every year I plot my course, a rigid syllabus filled with learn everything about…., master this language, do this, achieve that, be in perfect physical shape and eat only green smoothies for a year!  This year I sit with pen and paper and attempt to write out my desired life.  My beautiful new house awaits our family.  There is a garden to tend (an entire yard to garden, that is!).  My shop is busy.  We are planning a second shop down south.  I find myself battling questions like, “Should I still teach?”  “Should I start the homesteading school up again?”  Every cell of my body wants to sit with a cup of coffee and a good magazine.  I realize that I do not need to plot out the whole year.  I don’t want to teach…right now.  Perhaps I will later.  Perhaps I won’t.  I have spent so long coming up with every hair brained scheme to make enough money for us to survive that this year I want to just trust.  We are good.  I am taken care of.  I am blessed.  (What blessings did you have this year?)

This year I want to live.  I never put that on my resolutions.  I want to rest more.  Spend more time with friends.  Go dancing.  Go travel a bit.  Read more.  Eat well.  Be happy.  Laugh more.  I am far too serious.  I must learn to laugh. (What do you need to do more of?)

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In order to achieve this deep seeded peace and happiness I realize that I need to get rid of animosities and deep seeded irritations.  I have such a profound anger, I realize, towards the medical model.  The urgent cares popping up on every corner.  Friends in the hospital under care for things obviously caused by drugs they are on, only to be given more drugs that interact.  The brainwashing of society to believe that doctors know everything and that we have to take their advice, must take the pharmaceutical companies’ drugs, must run to urgent care for fever, sprained ankles, you must not make your own decisions towards health care….I fall in a heap of sadness that mothers have lost their power to heal.  I want to reteach everyone that plant medicines are every bit as effective, or more so, that they heal, that you can treat yourself, that you can….Another commercial comes on for another drug that won’t heal.  Marijuana also parading around pretending to be medicine.  I sigh and take another sip of tea.  I have to let this go.  I have to let this go.  (What do you need to let go of?)

People can do their research, they can read side effects, they can make their own decisions.  I am not responsible for the world.  I need to just do my work.  Make my medicines.  Help those that come.  Love them. Smile.  Help who I am sent.  Breathe.  I am not responsible for the world. We all just need to do what we are here to do.  Do your work with great love and passion.   (What is your work?  Hint: not necessarily what you do for a living.)

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Live.  That is my new year’s resolution.  I want to live.  Be in the moment.  Laugh.  Smile.  Love with all of my heart.  And all will be well with the world.  All the other resolutions will fall into place.  But peace is the best resolution we can have.  The dawn of 2017 looks wondrous.  (What are your hopes for the year?)

The Return of Farmgirl School

That’s right, Folks.  From small town urban farm to prairie homestead to friend’s houses to apartment living while farm dreaming to….our own homestead.  One that we own.  As we approach the four year anniversary of Farmgirl School, how fitting to start it off with a bang.  A new farm.  An urban farm.  Watch as we search, find, purchase, decorate, and turn an ordinary place into a beautiful and inspiring homestead.  Farmgirl School is back.

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Citygirl School

 

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My long, layered skirts, aprons, and prairie style do not even invoke a second glance in Elizabeth.  The country knows me, as well as its occupants.  In the city, here in Parker, Lord, I am provoking full on gawks and stares!  I feel a bit like a fish out of water.

Yet, I sit near the large window looking out across rooftops and mountain ranges, a cup of coffee and a cat on the sill, and write.  I am also in my element here.  How odd how many versions of ourselves coexist.  Maybe not reinventing, but finding a way for all of the various selves to combine.

I am tired of my prairie dresses.  I am not on the prairie.  Nancy and I are no longer farmgirls.  There is no farm.  I sit in a coffee shop using the wifi and sipping tea.  The sun creeps from behind the building and splays across the pavement.  It will be a beautiful day.

I am not homesteading.  I am living the city life.  We booked our trip to see friends in San Diego for my birthday.  We have no charges to find a farm sitter for.  We walk here and there and listen to song birds and stop in for sushi.

Does anyone read this blog anymore?  The term Farmgirl School seems a bit deceiving.  Oh, there are plenty of years of articles to aid the newbie farmer here.  Indeed.  Yet, I seek myself among cars and shops.  Near community gardens and coffee shops.  Across windowsills and in more normal attire.  A clairvoyant healer walks into the city in flowing dresses and a desire for sheep and ends up in a jean jacket sipping tea in a crowded coffee shop.  Unidentifiable?

No, I am still noticeable and I have a great many adventures ahead of me.  A writer still must have an outlet even if the readers stop reading.  Or perhaps new ones will join.  Or perhaps many are still here.  Sit down and have a cup of tea with me.  It is almost spring.

 

 

New Year’s Part 4- Blessings

 

family picNow that we are geared up to release 2015 in a glass of champagne and have our 2016 hopes and dreams laid out we must take a moment to be grateful.  Goodness, I don’t know anyone that came away from 2015 unscathed.  Yikes, it was a doozy.  But there are reasons behind change, behind life.  We must take our lessons and see where they lead us all.  But we must always hang on to hope.  And hope comes in the form of 2016 today.  Take a moment and write down all the things you are grateful for while I jot down mine…

Mine filled a full page.  The opportunities, the love, the kids, marriage, health, family, friends, animals, shop, lessons learned, and memories made; riding in a small plane and communing with wild horses.  It was an interesting year.  Please share your dreams, ideas, and blessings in the comments if you wish.  See you next year!

The Accidental Stocked Pantry (yea for over-canning!)

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We are getting settled in our new place.  Our eight cats (we had to have our sweet Ichabod put to sleep) joined our roommate David’s three and they are all getting along wonderfully despite all of my worrying.

Part of the deal there is that I am cooking the meals.  After being so long without free run of a kitchen I am loving taking over his mother’s warm abode.  The other night I put Andrea Bocelli on Pandora, poured a glass of Montepulciano, and made a delicious wild mushroom risotto with fresh salad and bread.

Another friend of mine lost everything this year.  She explained it as going into shock when needing to move suddenly and gave away or sold everything.  She later fell into hysteria over it but the shock is the only way she could have done it.  I know no one likes to hear, “I know just how you feel!” but at that moment I did.  Someone closely related to me made a comment that I don’t care about anything, I just throw things away and have no attachments.  Those words punched me, stole the air from me, I do care about things.  I cared about Doug’s grandmother’s dishes.  I cared about the poster of the Rat Pack that my son lovingly gave me one year that someone took before I could off my walls.  The cards my daughter made me.  I cared about my pie safe and my things.  They all held memories to me.  They all spelled home.  But that shock of being conned and having to leave so quickly certainly did aide in my getting out.

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Oddly enough, I kept all the canned goods I had put up the previous years.  This was no easy feat.  Margie’s walls were lined with boxes of dusty jars of apples, tomatoes, potatoes, jams, pickles, and peppers.  I kept thinking I should try to sell them, but I didn’t.  I could not imagine where I would be or where we would end up so I couldn’t figure out what to keep because I didn’t know if we would be in an RV, in a tiny house, or under a viaduct.  I couldn’t see what was next but the homesteader in me brought the canned goods.

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I always go a little overboard.  It is easy to do with canning.  The first year I preserved over 700 items.  Last year over 500 because we were moving and I fell short of my goals.  This year I canned a few jellies before we had to go.  But the lovely thing about home preserved canned goods is that they last for years.  If there is no mold, and the lid is secure, then save it!  I have one jar of apricot syrup that is five years old but the rest are newer and still very good.  So, yesterday I lined the laundry room shelves with my remaining canned goods from years past.  It was a calming and warming action to be placing jars of food along the wooden shelves ready for winter.  Even though I took the summer off, some of my work had been done the year before.  A stocked pantry always looks lovely.

Being Present, Manifesting a Home, and the Pumpkin Lady

I am reading a fabulous, fabulous book.  “What I Know For Sure” by Oprah Winfrey is both compassionate, real, and thought provoking.  It is allowing me to read it while nodding, for those things I know for sure too, and then consider whether I really put those things in motion.

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I finished the first section last night about Joy.  The secret to a joyous life is to be present.  So true when one thinks about laughing hysterically in a moment with friends over something nonsensical, drying one’s eyes, and then embracing in the moment.  That is joy.  I ought to laugh more.  In the mornings as I enjoy my cup(s) of hot, dark coffee and write to you at sunrise, I look out the window and thank God for this little “vacation” I am on.  No deadlines, no to-do list, no….then I get antsy and want to-do list back!  I have been sitting and thinking for two months.  There is a real possibility of losing it!  Shh, be present…

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I love watching everything that Maryjane does.  Listening to her little words.  Spending so much time with Doug.  Taking walks and holding hands.  Tending to the greenhouse.  Watching the leaves turn.  Visiting friends.  Resting my body.  Resting my mind.  Ok, well, trying to rest my mind.

Our House

But, there must be balance.  I cannot be present all the time or I would get nothing done.  I am presently manifesting with help (Divine and friends!) and dreaming (because that is what I do).  We have always known what house we want.  Out of the twenty-five places I have lived in my life there is only one that really felt like home.  It was our house in Kiowa.  The one we moved out of last year because they couldn’t keep up the mortgage payments and needed to sell it.  We thought Calhan was our forever farm.  It was a mere stepping stone.  What we really wanted was to own a home.  I guess the only way that we could own a home was by losing everything.  Our friends want to buy us a house and hold the note until we can get our finances in order.  A gift beyond measure.  We know which house we want.  It has been empty since we left it.  People around town wonder where the Pumpkin Lady went.  Not a bad nickname.  There are lots of hoops to go through.  But Friends, we are ready to go home.

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Picking Personas (and cookin’)

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I knew it wouldn’t be long before I came up with another hair brained scheme.  It would take awhile to institute it and I have no idea how to make it happen but I do have a dream of a type of supper club.  Whether it be at a restaurant after hours or in our home once a month I can’t be sure.  It would include no more than three tables, very romantic, beautiful music, set five course meal for one price.  Wine pairings would be included and the meal would end with one of my daughter, Shyanne’s amazing baked confections.  All housemade specialties, local and seasonal produce and ingredients, nothing artificial, everything perfectly seasoned and paired.

I am not sure how so much complexity and personas can be in one person.  How can I be just as fascinated with being a mountain mama hermit as I am a high profile sommelier?  I am as comfortable in long dresses and old fashioned aprons as I am in stilettoes and a pencil skirt.  I love the entertainment of the city as well as the old farm truck and chickens in the country life.  I am a talented herbalist, have learned from shamans over the years, love food and wine and entertaining as well as gardening and chickens too.  I have taught, modeled, danced, and owned a quaint little shop.  I devour Country Living magazine and Food and Wine magazine each month with the same intensity.  Surely these things can all culminate into one lifestyle and profession?  Which persona to choose?  The vagabond hippie?  The chef that carries truffle oil around everywhere?  The music pastor?  The shaman/herbalist?  The food critic?  The housewife hermit?  Wouldn’t it be nice sometimes if we were a smidge simpler in design?

I was walking past a restaurant that is locally owned by a man that I have done farmer’s markets with for years.  We started the same time, sold similar products for a time, quit our jobs at the same time, moved to the country at the same time, now he still does lots of markets and runs a restaurant.  As with all the roving vendors at the market we had a bit of a love/hate relationship and hearty competitive nature as well as a reverent respect for each other’s craft.

Mark walked out of the restaurant and directly towards me and asked if I would like to cook at the restaurant.  I said no because I heard he yelled.

“Are you going to yell at me?” I asked.  He replied that he could not promise that he wouldn’t.  I told him that I cry if yelled at then throw sh#t. (Maybe I have been watching too much Hell’s Kitchen.)  He said fine.  I also told him I would be the worst employee because I never know my daughter’s schedule until the last minute and don’t know when I would be able to work.

“That’s fine,” he replied again.

I start Tuesday.