There are many blogs out there that stay on point. They do not veer into private matters or personal life. This, my dear friends, is not one of them! Geez, I even freely give out my address so folks will send me a Christmas card. Now, I try to stay on subject, I really do; decorating, recipes, gardening, chickens, gatherings, et cetera. But, this blog also acts a bit as my journal and sound board. This is my network of international friends and loved ones. I respect your notes, your thoughts, your own writings and lives. I credit the success of this blog to the realism that comes from it. You know me as well as anybody, even if we have never met. This blog is about the real life of our family. So, come on in and sit and spell and let me know your thoughts.
Ah, it was a beautiful day yesterday as Doug and I traversed three or so miles of rugged landscape through sweet smelling spruces and pine. Across ledges looking out into the vast expanse of valleys and the city nestled below. Crows veered ahead and the scent and feel of autumn was present on the warm day. Last time I was there it was so dry you could hear the oak crying for the contents of our water bottles. Since monsoon season, things have perked up and new growth was eminent and joyful. And that, my friends, is where we are in our life at the moment.
“You always panic when things are going really good,” my straight-forward cousin, Julie noted. The beautiful ebb and flow of life freaks me out.
It didn’t used to. Why, I used to taut go out on a limb, fly baby, fly! Now, that we have lost everything a few times over and are settling into a rhythm, I tend to panic when not in survival mode. Decisions become much bigger than they should be. I plead to the universe for a clear and precise answer, preferably with details of the future, so that I can make a good decision that won’t land us destitute.
The answer floats back from beyond…”what do YOU want?” Do that, Sister.
My incredibly hard working, intelligent husband got a huge promotion/job offer at work this week. HUGE.
Our next act begins. The next chapter. Now, I have the amazing opportunity to be a homemaker. I excel at this work. We save a lot of money when I am home taking care of everything. I am happy here. Content. Except that I desperately want to go back to school. And I am all set to do so in January. English and Anthropology to finish a degree from a long time ago. I want to teach college…maybe high school. I have always wanted to teach school. Okay, so go back to school then, yes?
To the tune of forty plus grand, y’all. Now, last time I had a full scholarship. I am a diligent and good student and can very possibly again get scholarships. Will I like teaching? What if I spend that much money and then don’t like it? What if’s sound through the air like mischief in the making.
…what do YOU want?….
I will be fifty when I get a job as a teacher.
I tell this story often, but when I was working as a caregiver a long time ago I took care of a lovely older woman who told me while I was trying to figure out if I should go to school or not (because I would be the ripe old age of 38 coming out), that time flies and I will be that age soon enough so why not be doing what I want to then? Well, here we are again, just a different age when I get done. I hate to add so much debt to us. I hate the unknown. (will I even be able to get a job?!)
Our monsoon season has come and new growth is all around us. I have the great gift of a being a woman in a free country, with a beautiful family, and a husband who wants me to be happy and follow what my heart says. Of course, shutting off the chatter is half the battle. Can’t hear a damn thing.
…what do you want to do?…Let’s do that.