There are ideas that come to mind that sound exciting and fun. Things to try, to become, to do. Most ideas are fleeting (like my wanting to become a chef), but sometimes an idea comes and puts down its coffee, puts up its feet, and stays. It may have always been there. It just doesn’t go away. That is divine purpose.
I came across a project I did when I was about six or seven years old. I wrote that I was going to be a teacher. I stayed in for recess in first grade to tutor reading. I lined my dolls up for school and took class pictures of them as I got older with my first camera with the 110 film. I shifted between wanting to be a nurse or a teacher all through high school. I accepted a modeling contract and started a family instead. Then a dance company. Then I became an herbalist, which richly satisfied my love of things holistically medical and healing. And here I am.
I went to school when I was thirty. I was going to be a teacher (after I got the crazy idea of being a music pastor out of my head). Then I had to leave school to get a job and continue raising my kids. I signed up again a few years later and dropped it before I could start. Again a few years later. Again a few months ago. I get into my head the “what if’s.” You know these? What if I can’t even keep a job? What if I won’t like it? What if I will be too old? What if I am not smart enough? What if I don’t get as much time with my granddaughters? What if it bankrupts me? The what if’s get more preposterous as they go. (“But you do teach,” people remind me. I want to teach in a college setting though.)
We all have a divine purpose. In the book, Awaken the Spirit Within by Rebecca Rosen, the author describes our divine purpose as being an extension of God. To show that infinite, beautiful love and care upon everyone placed in our path and to master the lessons we came here to learn. Some paths or careers will place us in a way that we can do that better. For me, I have a great love of late teen, early twenties aged young people. I love their spirits, their ideas, their newness. At my granddaughter’s birthday party, there were probably twenty or more of this age group and I always (and am often called Mama) feel like a mother hen to them. I love them.
I recall well the teachers I have had over my life who for one reason or another did not like me. They were horrible and did everything they could to sabotage me. I also remember each person that took time out of their life to help mentor me or to encourage me. That is the person I want to be in other’s lives. That is what I can really excel at. That is my divine purpose. To be able to see the best in students (especially those brave enough to go to college to pursue a dream), to be able to help instill confidence and encourage them sets them up to succeed and therefore fulfill their divine purpose better.
Last year and the beginning of this year were tough emotionally because I have been holding onto the past. I had become very angry that so many out of state and city people had moved into my beautiful small town- the only place I have ever felt like was home- and drove up the prices so high that many locals were forced to leave. I go visit my daughter and- I kid you not- get about run off the road by an Audi or BMW every dang time. I miss the slow trucks of ranchers. I miss the scenic vistas pre mini-mansion. I miss my town. I have been bitter that I don’t have a business with my daughter anymore. I loved being with her. I loved having a shop with her. I loved being a full time herbalist. But, things change.
Just as my front yard was rearranged yesterday with sixty plus mile an hour winds, my life is being rearranged. And that is okay! I asked myself, “Well, do you want to move back to Elizabeth?” If that is really what I want to do, I can. I answered myself sheepishly, “Well, no. I love the climate here, and the people, and my house and my low mortgage payment.” (Sometimes you have give yourself a talkin’ to.) Do I want to start up an apothecary with Shyanne again? I am exhausted thinking about it. I see her every few weeks or so. It’s not like I lost my child. And this big beautiful future looms ahead, nudging me towards the next divine step. I can be an herbalist, I can be a mother, I can be anything. So, I signed up for school to be a teacher. Now, y’all keep me accountable and don’t let me chicken out again! I just know (hope) that I will be teaching college (in New Mexico) one day.
What ideas never leave you? What is Spirit nudging you towards? What do you need to release in order to move forward? What is your dream?